Why I Never Want Your Unsolicited Advice

Caveats

Because autism, and because the unsolicited advice often comes from people who care about me, let me clarify up front that I know that you care. I know you mean well, and I know that you think you’re somehow helping me.

Also, I’m talking here about unsolicited advice that is specifically burdensome.

What’s going on here?

Look. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with unsolicited advice. But I recently discussed this particular topic with my allistic wife, to gain some insight.

I was honestly curious why receiving unsolicited advice doesn’t bother her as much as it bothers me. Because I know people send her unsolicited advice too, even after she has started following my lead with explicitly asking people not to do it. I know it upsets her, yet she’s not upset for days/weeks when they do it. Why not?

For me, I’m upset by unsolicited advice first of all because it makes me question what I did wrong. I want to know where I was unclear in my own communication. Why did they send this to me? I didn’t ask for this.

Next, it creates in me a sense of obligation, that I have to respond and explain why this particular advice or suggestion is unhelpful, unrelated to my current situation, or in whatever other way not relevant to me. So this is now more work for me to deal with.

And let’s talk about emotions for a bit. I have big emotional reactions to things, and they take me days or weeks to work through. And honestly, I’m still feeling some stuff from tenth grade so I’m not even trying to say that I’ll just move on from things in a matter of days or weeks, but unsolicited advice definitely stirs stuff in me.

It’s so hard. It feels like a violation of the personal space of my mind. I feel like if you knew me at all, you’d know that if I wanted advice then I’d have asked you for advice.

Also, this goes doubly strong for not wanting your unsolicited medical advice (oh my gosh!) which always seems to come when I’m dealing with sickness and disability already, and then having to be extra burdened responding to unsolicited medical advice that can send me cycling through thoughts and feelings for longer than I wish.

For example, I might not have it in me to explain why all of the news articles you just read about migraines don’t apply to me, but what I wish you knew is how much it burdens me when you send them.

What I’ve been told is going on

My allistic wife tells me that the people who send unsolicited advice care about me. They’ve read something on a topic that reminded them of me, so they sent it along, mostly to let me know they are thinking about me.

I find this all profoundly dissatisfying, to be honest. It has been several weeks since I had a status migraine and my last round of unsolicited medical advice, and I’m still upset every day about those messages.

Yes they came from people I care about and whom I wish so much would try a bit more to know me and respect me enough to not send them, to not burden me with this obligation to explain things I don’t really have the time and space to explain, and to basically just hear me a little bit.

The whole thing causes me to cycle for weeks.

In closing, please, for the love of God, do not send anyone unsolicited medical advice. It’s my hope that sharing this is helpful to others.

Want to discuss this topic? There is a thread about it on the facebook page.