Thriving Together: Five Strategies for Parents New to Autism

There is a popular story used to illustrate the experience of parenting a neurodivergent child. Originally written by Emily Perl Kingsley ©1987 describing the experience of raising a disabled child, “Welcome to Holland” is a compelling story that can also help parents navigate the emotional journey following an autism identification for their child.

Suppose you are planning a trip to Italy – a place you have always dreamt of visiting. As excitement builds, you imagine the warm weather and breathtaking scenery, and savouring delicious food. You invest time in researching and even learning some Italian. However, when you finally board the plane and are halfway through the flight, the flight attendant announces that your destination is not Italy, but rather Holland!

The Welcome to Holland analogy captures the journey that many parents embark on when they receive the news that their child is autistic. Parents experience a range of emotions, including conflicting feelings, confusion, and grief.

However, amidst these challenges, there might also be a glimmer of relief as the autism diagnosis validates suspicions that parents may have held regarding their child’s different developmental journey.

The path to obtaining an autism diagnosis for a child can be a challenging and intricate one. Parents often become aware early on that their child is mastering key developmental milestones at a different pace than their peers. Parents might observe slower progress in language acquisition skills, a lack of pointing gestures, difficulties with emotional regulation (e.g., difficulty with soothing), or an unresponsiveness when calling their child’s name, which might initially lead parents to suspect hearing difficulties.

When parents express their concerns to healthcare professionals, they may face lengthy waiting periods before their child can undergo an autism assessment, often without receiving any guidance on how to support their child in the meantime. Consequently, when parents finally receive the autism diagnosis, they are left feeling uncertain about how to navigate their new reality and how to provide the best possible support for their child.

Here, I want to provide some preliminary strategies that every parent can start implementing whilst waiting or right after their child’s autism diagnosis, regardless of the child’s age.

Parenting Strategies

1. Mind your language

Autism is characterised by a qualitative difference in cognition and language development. Regardless of whether your child is preverbal or verbal, they may find it difficult to process and respond to verbal and non-verbal information. Here are some useful tools:

• Reduce the amount of verbal information you provide, and increase the use of non-verbal cues such as gestures, facial expressions, and physical proximity. This shift from verbal to non-verbal can assist your child in understanding and integrating non-verbal information more effectively, which is a skill they may find difficult.
• When using language, use declarative statements by describing what you see and how you feel, and minimize the use of imperatives such as instructions and commands. Declarative language supports the development of intersubjectivity, a crucial skill for acquiring empathy and theory of mind.

2. Allow for alternative forms of communicating than eye contact

Eye contact may not be comfortable or necessary for active attention. Eye contact in allistic individuals is often used as a social cue that represents active attention, but autistic children may avoid giving eye contact to manage sensory input more effectively.

Instead, focus on alternative ways to gauge their engagement, such as gently touching your child’s arm as a non-verbal way to establish connection, or moving physically closer to your child to create an opportunity to reconnect.

3. Use visual cues and/or actual objects to work on transitions

Attention shifting is often an area of difficulty for autistics as transitioning to a new context typically requires adapting to different rules, applying dynamic thinking, and changing roles. By utilising an object or visual image that symbolises the upcoming activity or destination, you can provide your child with a tangible representation of the change beforehand, aiding their understanding and preparation for the transition.

4. Pause (a lot!)

Autistic children often require longer processing times compared to neurotypical children. By allowing sufficient pauses for responses and initiations, you create a space for your child to make sense of the interaction or situation at their own pace.

It is important to acknowledge that these pauses might sometimes feel uncomfortable or unnatural. Allowing processing times fosters a supportive environment for effective communication and interaction.

5. Slow down the rate of interaction

When engaging in activities with your child, take the time to express your thoughts, or to perform an action. By adopting a slower pace of interaction, you provide your child with an opportunity to understand the ‘why’, this is, the underlying reasons or motivations behind your actions rather than simply focusing on the surface-level of the ‘what’.

This strategy promotes a deeper understanding of the context and allows your child to comprehend intentions behind your words and actions.

In Closing

Remember that autism is characterised by a qualitative difference in cognition and language development. Your child thinks differently and communicates differently. I hope these strategies help you slow down and think differently too.

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