Just Go Somewhere: An Emotional Regulation Strategy in Honor of My Gram

Everything can seem out of control and threatening right now in the world near and far. And while I’m not (at all) getting into the CAUSES of that distress, I am reminded of something that can actually help, and I’d love to share that with you all.

The Original Scene and Backstory

My Gram was a special person. Many of the staff at her assisted living community called her Gram, even though everybody who lived there was a grandmother. The others were called by their preferred name and many of the staff called my Gram “Gram,” with her permission. I share that to sort of set the stage for the kind of beloved person she was.

This whole post is in honor of my Gram, without whom I would not be here today. To skip the backstory and the science, you can jump right to the strategy.

Before she died 15 years ago, Gram was 92 years old and legally blind due to a stroke in her occipital lobe. And when the main cause of trauma and abuse from her life would occasionally visit, the rest of us would prepare the space to ensure Gram’s safety. The staff would call me to let me know of this person’s arrival, and we’d inventory what few things Gram still had in her possession that this person might try to steal.

After the person would visit, I would be upset for days. My allistic Gram would not be upset. I had eventually asked her how she was able to remain calm despite all this person had done to her, and how it upset her present living situation to have this person so close.

Gram’s response? “I just go somewhere.”

Haha, okay.

I asked Gram back then (of course) what that was about.

“I don’t know. I just go somewhere,” she’d repeat, adding nothing.

I left it with Gram, but I was determined to figure it out.

As an autistic person, emotional regulation has always been hard for me. And when I’m having an acute stress reaction, I lose language. One of the first things my then-girlfriend (Rachael the Beloved) learned about my family of origin was this reality, as we passed that shared source of acute distress in the hallway at Gram’s assisted living place and I dropped to the floor and couldn’t breathe once we rounded the next corner.

So. There’s that. But I’m a social scientist after all, and Gram’s wisdom about how she would “just go somewhere” is brilliant. I’d like to share it with you all here, along with a bit of the science behind it, of course. Let’s do this.

Science Behind the Strategy

Smell (and sensory memory) can act like a calm switch. Olfactory signals travel from the nasal epithelium to the olfactory bulb in the frontal lobe, then along the olfactory tract to the piriform (olfactory) cortex in the temporal lobe, and on to the amygdala and hippocampus in the medial temporal lobe (Herz 2004).

All other senses route information through the thalamus, but smell bypasses that relay. The olfactory pathway reaches emotion and memory-processing regions with as few as two to three synapses (Dulac 1997).

Those last two regions on the trajectory are involved in processing emotion and memory. THIS is why when you recall a certain smell you can be taken back to such a rich, evocative memory with all the Big Feelings.

Consider if I asked about your favorite person from childhood. But then imagine if you were reading a description of that person, or seeing an image of them, or hearing a recording of their voice. ALL of these prompts can definitely elicit an emotional memory, but nothing is likely to pull such a rich recall as when you smell something specific that you associate with them.

That shortcut is why research shows smell-linked memories tend to be stronger and more emotionally vivid, and also more durable than memories triggered by visual or verbal cues (Herz 2004).

I eventually realized that Gram was using this strategy to “go somewhere” until her unkind visitor would leave her to return to safety.

Here is the Strategy for You to “Go Somewhere”

This works in the heat of the moment when you’re overwhelmed with Big Feelings. This doesn’t stop the Big Feelings per se, but it can help you reconnect at your baseline.

Step 1: Choose a Somewhere

Think of a place you’ve been that felt okay. My Gram had two go-to places: the beach, and her mother’s kitchen. This is for you to choose, and there’s no wrong answer. Think of exactly when and where you were when you felt safe and calm.

Step 2: Focus on the Smell

Yeah so what did your Somewhere smell like? Gram’s beach smells like salty air and a bit of low tide smell. Low-tide smell isn’t often deemed a pleasant one, but it can take you to that place. Think of exactly how this place smelled.

Step 3: Smell the Smell

Describe that smell in some way to yourself. Dig into it. Take several slow, deep breaths while you recall the smell of the place where you felt safe and calm. If you can, push your brain to recall the smell as you are breathing in through your nose.

Alternative Options for Accessibility

If smell isn’t a strong sense for you, or if it conjures unsafe memories, modify the strategy. Begin the same way by choosing a safe Somewhere. Then instead of recalling a smell, focus on another sensory category.

What did you see there? What sounds did you hear? My friend Haben Girma is DeafBlind. I’d invite her to recall how that place felt through touch if smell isn’t a good option.

At the beach you might see the line in the wet sand where the high tide reached before heading back out. You might hear the seagulls, or the horn from the lighthouse. You might feel the coarse sand that becomes so much less course as you move further away from the water and the grains of sand become finer.

… You might notice how that beach sand is actually tiny rock fragments, similar in composition to the smooth stones you liked to collect.

Hold that sensory detail in your mind while you take several slow, deep breaths. Even without smell, this should tap into the same memory-emotion pathway my Gram used to “just go somewhere” and it works for people with congenital anosmia, Blind folks, and anyone with sensory sensitivities (Kupers and Ptito 2014).

Pick your preferred sense for this. I chose smell because of the neurochemical shortcut. And I used to enjoy teaching this when I taught Intro Psych 101 many years ago.

 

Teachers, Therapists, Other Caring Types

When someone you’re supporting becomes overwhelmed, you can try inviting them to “Go Somewhere” instead of telling them to “Calm down.”

1. Help them name a specific place they trusted/where they felt safe and okay.
2. Ask what that place smelled like (or looked like, or sounded like, or felt like).
3. For non-speaking people, try pairing this with some decent cues. Prompt if helpful by asking questions like, “Is it cookies? Pine trees? The zipper on your jacket? Warm sun?” Ask what makes sense to help get their answer.

And you should probably take note of the details for yourself next time, because a trusted “Somewhere Menu” can help you start with familiar options next time.

You can also practice this when someone is NOT having Big Feelings. That way, you won’t be introducing something new during a crisis, and you’ll already have a starting Somewhere Menu.

Is this a panacea? No. But it can interrupt a spinning spiral because it’s a way to refocus on something safe and trusted.

Supporting Someone with Dementia

If you know someone with early dementia, you can help them create a Somewhere Menu and write it down. People often lose short-term memory first but retain older long-term memories longer.

Then, when someone with dementia loses more of their orientation to the present, which is a common source of distress, you can help by taking them back to a time and place where they felt safe.

I wrote about this strategy back in 2008 (Sanborne 2008). That article is on a different topic but I include it here to show this isn’t a new idea, as I suggested essentially this same strategy way back then.

TL;DR Recap

My Gram and I have benefitted from an emotional regulation strategy that comes NOT from language, but from the brain’s sensory and perception systems. Strategizing how to “just go somewhere” is a brilliant way to be able to sort the Big Feelings, even when they are completely justified, such as when in proximity to a perpetrator of harm, or when your country is running like a full speed freight train right off the rails, for example.

None of the problems are improved when we’re not able to calm ourselves down enough to breathe. This is a way to give your brain a moment of rest, which I’m sure you deserve.

As always, please take what you need and leave what you don’t.

Want to discuss this topic?

*There is this post on bluesky and this thread on facebook*

References

Herz, Rachel S. 2004. “A Naturalistic Analysis of Autobiographical Memories Triggered by Olfactory, Visual and Auditory Stimuli.” Chemical Senses 29(3):217–224. https://doi.org/10.1093/chemse/bjh025

Dulac, Catherine. 1997. “How Does the Brain Smell?” Neuron 19(3):477–480. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0896-6273(00)80363-3

Kupers, Ron, and Maurice Ptito. 2014. “Compensatory Plasticity and Cross-Modal Reorganization Following Early Visual Deprivation.” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews 41:36–52. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2013.08.001

Sanborne, Erika L. 2008. “Praying with Those Who Might Forget: Pastoral Considerations with Memory Impairment.” The Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling 62(3):207–217. https://doi.org/10.1177/154230500806200303